Friday, December 30, 2005
GOODBYE 2005
2005 was a weird year - it had some definite highlights (appearing on Best Week Ever, writing for Friday Night w/ Greg Giraldo, I went to a ton of Mets games, and I got to meet Bob Uecker in the Dodgers' broadcast booth, and I got to go out with the girl I had a crush on in junior high school), and some definite lowlights (a nasty bout of dehydration, a nasty week with strep throat, a guy tried to kill me on Restaurant Row, I threw out my back).
I was going to write a BEST OF 2005 list, but then I realized that I'm just too lazy for that.
Instead, here's some jokes about Christmas that were rejected by Friday Night w/ Greg Giraldo. As you read them, just remember: This is what happens to the money you send in to your cable company every month. Enjoy, and have a happy holiday:
President Bush recently presided over the annual tree lighting ceremony on the White House lawn.
And in related news, Senator Jesse Helms also recently presided over the annual cross lighting ceremony on a black house lawn.
Jesse Helms, who once said, “Martin Luther King had a dream. Apparently, in that dream he was not bulletproof.”
It’s the time of year when a fat man makes a list of who’s naughty and who’s nice. And thanks to the PATRIOT Act, that man is Karl Rove.
You know, every year I get a lot of cookies and cakes and chocolates and pies as gifts, and every year I always make sure they go straight to the same place – my ass and thighs, am I right ladies? Sorry, but I promised the gals in the secretarial pool I’d let them write a joke for the monologue.
I have kids, so I’m always watching classic Christmas movies, and whenever I see a movie like “Christmas With The Kranks,” or “Earnest Saves Christmas,” or “The Santa Clause,” or “Ron Howard’s Dr. Suess’ The Grinch,” I always think the same thing – “Maybe Al Qaeda has a point. Maybe we are spreading Satan’s evil throughout the world.”
All I want for Christmas is peace, brotherhood amongst all people, and a bumper sticker that says “Ventilator Repairmen Do It In Your Windpipe.”
Now I know what some people are going to say: “Greg, that’s impossible. No one makes those bumper stickers; ventilator repairmen are a niche market, and any company dumb enough to mass-produce novelty products for them are going to lose their shirts at best.”
To those people, I say – Whatever happened to your dreams, man?
They say you should buy the special lady in your life a diamond, because diamonds are forever. You know what’s really forever? Your special lady’s ability to bitch and moan if you don’t buy her diamonds.
The diamond industry’s slogan should be, “Diamonds – get some, if you really want to get some.”
This year, like every year, some TV stations are going to air The Yule Log – 12 hours of a log burning on TV.
Big deal. You want to see a burning log? Just catch me two hours after I eat at Taco Bell. Or White Castle. Or El Chupo Grande Mexican Express.
My wife asked if I wanted to put up a stocking this year. I told her, I’m a grown man. What could I possibly want that would fit in a stocking? Yes, I want a stocking, as long as that stocking is stuffed with the leg of a stripper named Mercedes. And yes, I want it to be attached to the rest of her. You won’t catch me that way twice, officer.
Blue Collar Comedian Bill Engvall has a Christmas album in stores.
Bill’s big joke is that he likes to go around giving stupid people – stupid people who are not Bill Engvall - a sign.
Here’s a sign for stupid people: “Bill Engvall Records Sold Here.”
A few years ago, I read an article in Better Homes and Gardens Magazine that said that a good way to decorate your Christmas tree is to hang strands of popcorn all over it.
So I did, I covered the entire tree with popcorn.
That night, Roger Ebert came over and ate my tree.
New Year’s is coming up, and I hear that this year on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, Dick Clark is having The Strokes. Go ahead, act all offended, you know you’ll be e-mailing that joke to your friends in the morning.
Some religious activists say we shouldn’t have Santa Claus as part of such a holy, religious holiday, and I can see their point – this is a guy who has kids sit in his lap, and if they sweet-talk him real nice he might give them a big package to open.
A guy like that does not belong in any part of the religious world – okay, except the Catholic Church. Sure, if his name was Father Claus, and he was the director of the Choir, that would make sense.
Of course, I love all the traditional Christmas characters, like Frosty the Snowman. That’s the name of my coke dealer. Hey, how do you think Rudolph’s nose got so red?
They say that if you’re bad, Santa is going to put a lump of coal in your stocking. But with oil prices the way they are, a lump of coal might be a good gift. Santa isn’t dicking you over; he’s exploring alternate energy sources. Hell, the way things are going, this winter we might be burning the tree to keep warm.
The Jews have a much tougher time getting presents on Channukah. With Christmas, if you want to get presents, all you have to do is be good all year. With the Jews, they also have to spend eight days with their families.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my crazy-ass family, but the only way I’m going to let myself get stuck with those people for eight straight days is if it involves being stuck on a desert island and Jeff Probst offering the winner a million dollars.
My wife got mad at me. She asked me what I wanted for Christmas, so I showed her a catalogue.
Alright, it was a mail-order bride catalogue.
Christmas is a holiday with lights, and tinsel, and ornaments, and singing. That’s why they call Christmas, “That gay holiday.” Seriously, if Christmas were a man, he would be dressed as Judy Garland down at the piano bar every Thursday.
I have a Christmas ritual. Every year, I go to church and I say the same exact sentence: “Merry Christmas, Father, um, uh – Father uh, what’syourname.”
Christmas, of course, is the time of year when we celebrate the birth of Jesus. If you didn’t know, Jesus was actually a Jew, which means that his parents probably celebrated his birthday every year by eating at a Chinese restaurant and then seeing a movie.
According to the Bible, Jesus was the son of God, and his father sent him to Earth to die horribly for our sins. And I thought my dad was a dick for throwing me into the deep end of the pool to teach me how to swim.
President Bush is in trouble with William Donohue of the Catholic League for sending out Christmas cards that don’t actually have the word “Christmas” in them. Bush said that in order to not offend any religious groups, he had to make a more general card that just read, “Happy birthday Jesus.”
Seriously, how can you get mad at Bush for not being religious enough? When he met with the Pope, after five minutes the Pope was like, “All right, I get it, you love Jesus. Is there anything else we can talk about?”
Getting mad at Bush for not being religious enough is like getting mad at William Donohue for not having too much time on his hands.
Of course, what would the holidays be without Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol? There’s so many versions - The Mickey Mouse Christmas Carol, The Rich Little Christmas Carol, Scrooged.
I myself prefer the porn version, Christmas Carol Does Two Black Guys.
Oh, Ebeneezer Splooge, you are a cum-drunk slut.
Call me a sentimental old fool, but Christmastime always reminds me of the same thing – The Tet Offensive. I spent some of the most hellish months of my life in history class, learning about the Vietnam War. In some ways, I never left that class. Probably because I failed it.
So we decorate the tree with ornaments and tinsel and lights, and we stick it in a corner, and then one day it’s the middle of February and the tree’s still standing there, all dry and dressed up, like your eighty year-old Aunt Trudy who’s on death’s door and still wears her jewelry and too much rouge and mascara, just in case President Roosevelt decides to stop by for dinner.
And the needles are falling everywhere, and the kids said they’d put the decorations away, but thanks to television and sugar-coated breakfast cereals, they have the attention span of a gnat.
And your wife nags you and nags you to just throw the damned thing away, but you’re exhausted because you just spent the last five days telling dick jokes at the Laffeteria in a town that was first runner-up in The Most Retards Per Capita Town In The USA Contest, and you know they weren’t the winners because that’s where you’re playing next week.
But of course, she won’t let it go, and she says, “Look at that fire trap,” and you say, “Honey, just let’s leave it up one more day,” and she says, “Why can’t you just throw it away?” And you say, “BECAUSE I JUST WANT A LITTLE CHRISTMAS MAGIC ALL YEAR ‘ROUND GODDAMMIT.”
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I was going to write a BEST OF 2005 list, but then I realized that I'm just too lazy for that.
Instead, here's some jokes about Christmas that were rejected by Friday Night w/ Greg Giraldo. As you read them, just remember: This is what happens to the money you send in to your cable company every month. Enjoy, and have a happy holiday:
President Bush recently presided over the annual tree lighting ceremony on the White House lawn.
And in related news, Senator Jesse Helms also recently presided over the annual cross lighting ceremony on a black house lawn.
Jesse Helms, who once said, “Martin Luther King had a dream. Apparently, in that dream he was not bulletproof.”
It’s the time of year when a fat man makes a list of who’s naughty and who’s nice. And thanks to the PATRIOT Act, that man is Karl Rove.
You know, every year I get a lot of cookies and cakes and chocolates and pies as gifts, and every year I always make sure they go straight to the same place – my ass and thighs, am I right ladies? Sorry, but I promised the gals in the secretarial pool I’d let them write a joke for the monologue.
I have kids, so I’m always watching classic Christmas movies, and whenever I see a movie like “Christmas With The Kranks,” or “Earnest Saves Christmas,” or “The Santa Clause,” or “Ron Howard’s Dr. Suess’ The Grinch,” I always think the same thing – “Maybe Al Qaeda has a point. Maybe we are spreading Satan’s evil throughout the world.”
All I want for Christmas is peace, brotherhood amongst all people, and a bumper sticker that says “Ventilator Repairmen Do It In Your Windpipe.”
Now I know what some people are going to say: “Greg, that’s impossible. No one makes those bumper stickers; ventilator repairmen are a niche market, and any company dumb enough to mass-produce novelty products for them are going to lose their shirts at best.”
To those people, I say – Whatever happened to your dreams, man?
They say you should buy the special lady in your life a diamond, because diamonds are forever. You know what’s really forever? Your special lady’s ability to bitch and moan if you don’t buy her diamonds.
The diamond industry’s slogan should be, “Diamonds – get some, if you really want to get some.”
This year, like every year, some TV stations are going to air The Yule Log – 12 hours of a log burning on TV.
Big deal. You want to see a burning log? Just catch me two hours after I eat at Taco Bell. Or White Castle. Or El Chupo Grande Mexican Express.
My wife asked if I wanted to put up a stocking this year. I told her, I’m a grown man. What could I possibly want that would fit in a stocking? Yes, I want a stocking, as long as that stocking is stuffed with the leg of a stripper named Mercedes. And yes, I want it to be attached to the rest of her. You won’t catch me that way twice, officer.
Blue Collar Comedian Bill Engvall has a Christmas album in stores.
Bill’s big joke is that he likes to go around giving stupid people – stupid people who are not Bill Engvall - a sign.
Here’s a sign for stupid people: “Bill Engvall Records Sold Here.”
A few years ago, I read an article in Better Homes and Gardens Magazine that said that a good way to decorate your Christmas tree is to hang strands of popcorn all over it.
So I did, I covered the entire tree with popcorn.
That night, Roger Ebert came over and ate my tree.
New Year’s is coming up, and I hear that this year on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, Dick Clark is having The Strokes. Go ahead, act all offended, you know you’ll be e-mailing that joke to your friends in the morning.
Some religious activists say we shouldn’t have Santa Claus as part of such a holy, religious holiday, and I can see their point – this is a guy who has kids sit in his lap, and if they sweet-talk him real nice he might give them a big package to open.
A guy like that does not belong in any part of the religious world – okay, except the Catholic Church. Sure, if his name was Father Claus, and he was the director of the Choir, that would make sense.
Of course, I love all the traditional Christmas characters, like Frosty the Snowman. That’s the name of my coke dealer. Hey, how do you think Rudolph’s nose got so red?
They say that if you’re bad, Santa is going to put a lump of coal in your stocking. But with oil prices the way they are, a lump of coal might be a good gift. Santa isn’t dicking you over; he’s exploring alternate energy sources. Hell, the way things are going, this winter we might be burning the tree to keep warm.
The Jews have a much tougher time getting presents on Channukah. With Christmas, if you want to get presents, all you have to do is be good all year. With the Jews, they also have to spend eight days with their families.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my crazy-ass family, but the only way I’m going to let myself get stuck with those people for eight straight days is if it involves being stuck on a desert island and Jeff Probst offering the winner a million dollars.
My wife got mad at me. She asked me what I wanted for Christmas, so I showed her a catalogue.
Alright, it was a mail-order bride catalogue.
Christmas is a holiday with lights, and tinsel, and ornaments, and singing. That’s why they call Christmas, “That gay holiday.” Seriously, if Christmas were a man, he would be dressed as Judy Garland down at the piano bar every Thursday.
I have a Christmas ritual. Every year, I go to church and I say the same exact sentence: “Merry Christmas, Father, um, uh – Father uh, what’syourname.”
Christmas, of course, is the time of year when we celebrate the birth of Jesus. If you didn’t know, Jesus was actually a Jew, which means that his parents probably celebrated his birthday every year by eating at a Chinese restaurant and then seeing a movie.
According to the Bible, Jesus was the son of God, and his father sent him to Earth to die horribly for our sins. And I thought my dad was a dick for throwing me into the deep end of the pool to teach me how to swim.
President Bush is in trouble with William Donohue of the Catholic League for sending out Christmas cards that don’t actually have the word “Christmas” in them. Bush said that in order to not offend any religious groups, he had to make a more general card that just read, “Happy birthday Jesus.”
Seriously, how can you get mad at Bush for not being religious enough? When he met with the Pope, after five minutes the Pope was like, “All right, I get it, you love Jesus. Is there anything else we can talk about?”
Getting mad at Bush for not being religious enough is like getting mad at William Donohue for not having too much time on his hands.
Of course, what would the holidays be without Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol? There’s so many versions - The Mickey Mouse Christmas Carol, The Rich Little Christmas Carol, Scrooged.
I myself prefer the porn version, Christmas Carol Does Two Black Guys.
Oh, Ebeneezer Splooge, you are a cum-drunk slut.
Call me a sentimental old fool, but Christmastime always reminds me of the same thing – The Tet Offensive. I spent some of the most hellish months of my life in history class, learning about the Vietnam War. In some ways, I never left that class. Probably because I failed it.
So we decorate the tree with ornaments and tinsel and lights, and we stick it in a corner, and then one day it’s the middle of February and the tree’s still standing there, all dry and dressed up, like your eighty year-old Aunt Trudy who’s on death’s door and still wears her jewelry and too much rouge and mascara, just in case President Roosevelt decides to stop by for dinner.
And the needles are falling everywhere, and the kids said they’d put the decorations away, but thanks to television and sugar-coated breakfast cereals, they have the attention span of a gnat.
And your wife nags you and nags you to just throw the damned thing away, but you’re exhausted because you just spent the last five days telling dick jokes at the Laffeteria in a town that was first runner-up in The Most Retards Per Capita Town In The USA Contest, and you know they weren’t the winners because that’s where you’re playing next week.
But of course, she won’t let it go, and she says, “Look at that fire trap,” and you say, “Honey, just let’s leave it up one more day,” and she says, “Why can’t you just throw it away?” And you say, “BECAUSE I JUST WANT A LITTLE CHRISTMAS MAGIC ALL YEAR ‘ROUND GODDAMMIT.”
Thursday, December 29, 2005
OUCH!
I threw out my back yesterday, carrying a televi - I mean, singlehandedly stopping a gang of ruffians from assaulting an innocent, defenseless old lady. That old lady's name, by the way? Mother Theresa.
Yes, that Mother Theresa.
Sure, there are those who would say that Mother Theresa is technically "dead." To those people I say, "WHY ARE YOU CONDUCTING A WAR ON CHRISTMAS??!!!!"
Some of my long-time fans will note that this is the second time I've thrown my back out in three years' time. That's only because I'm in terrible shape. You should know that, long-time fans.
By the way, when people older than you say things like, "lift from the knees," they are not bullshitting you. It might sound like they're giving you the bum steer, but it's actually way better advice than I've ever read in Ann Landers or Dear Abby.
When I was carrying that tel - that gang leader across my shoulders to bash his head into a wall, I was actually lifting from my - um, whatever part of the body makes you feel like a total asshole afterwards. Ah yes, the hole in my ass. I was lifting from the hole in my ass.
No, wait, that doesn't sound right. I mean, I have been doing those exercises, but my asshole's just not that strong. Yet.
Wow, this is a terrible blog entry.
I'm deleting it right n
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Yes, that Mother Theresa.
Sure, there are those who would say that Mother Theresa is technically "dead." To those people I say, "WHY ARE YOU CONDUCTING A WAR ON CHRISTMAS??!!!!"
Some of my long-time fans will note that this is the second time I've thrown my back out in three years' time. That's only because I'm in terrible shape. You should know that, long-time fans.
By the way, when people older than you say things like, "lift from the knees," they are not bullshitting you. It might sound like they're giving you the bum steer, but it's actually way better advice than I've ever read in Ann Landers or Dear Abby.
When I was carrying that tel - that gang leader across my shoulders to bash his head into a wall, I was actually lifting from my - um, whatever part of the body makes you feel like a total asshole afterwards. Ah yes, the hole in my ass. I was lifting from the hole in my ass.
No, wait, that doesn't sound right. I mean, I have been doing those exercises, but my asshole's just not that strong. Yet.
Wow, this is a terrible blog entry.
I'm deleting it right n
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
ANT-Y MAIMED
A friend of mine told me I should have kids.
I said, "I dunno."
He said, "Why not?"
Well, first of all, I don't know if your parents ever taught you about the birds and the bees, but you need more than one person to make a baby, you can't do it alone and believe me I tried plenty of times.
If you could have a baby by yourself, I'd be a father a million times over.
I mean, I'd like to have a kid, but I don't know if my parents are ready to take care of it.
Anyway, I can't even handle taking care of an ant farm.
* * * * *
I owned an ant farm once, got it for Christmas I guess.
And the instructions say you're supposed to feed your little ants sugar water. Well I did that for a few months, and I had these fat ants. So I switched to Splenda water.
Anyway, I guess some of the worker ants started reading these books by Trotsky, because they got together one day and voted to collectivize the ant farm. Turned it into a "worker's paradise," they started growing their own wheat and alfalfa crops, which they sold at the farmer's market.
Soon they had enough money to buy the fish tank, drained it out, I mean, first they declared the goldfish "enemies of the people" and relocated them to the toilet. And they started growing corn in that tank - tiny fields of golden corn waving gently in the breeze.
That's when I realized - I was the owner of the world's first Trotskyite collectivized ant farm commune.
I guess I shouldn't have given them that speech telling them how proud I was to own them. One night, they tore down all the tiny little statues of myself I'd put up around the apartment. They annexed the cat's litter box, but they gave that back a couple of hours later.
So to retaliate, I bought a sun lamp, put it over that fishtank, and set it on high. A couple minutes later, the corn started po popping out as popcorn. Pop! Pop! Pop! Some of the dumber ants thought it was fireworks and started applauding.
And that's as far as I've written this joke, as I think there's probably a somewhat limited audience for it.
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I said, "I dunno."
He said, "Why not?"
Well, first of all, I don't know if your parents ever taught you about the birds and the bees, but you need more than one person to make a baby, you can't do it alone and believe me I tried plenty of times.
If you could have a baby by yourself, I'd be a father a million times over.
I mean, I'd like to have a kid, but I don't know if my parents are ready to take care of it.
Anyway, I can't even handle taking care of an ant farm.
* * * * *
I owned an ant farm once, got it for Christmas I guess.
And the instructions say you're supposed to feed your little ants sugar water. Well I did that for a few months, and I had these fat ants. So I switched to Splenda water.
Anyway, I guess some of the worker ants started reading these books by Trotsky, because they got together one day and voted to collectivize the ant farm. Turned it into a "worker's paradise," they started growing their own wheat and alfalfa crops, which they sold at the farmer's market.
Soon they had enough money to buy the fish tank, drained it out, I mean, first they declared the goldfish "enemies of the people" and relocated them to the toilet. And they started growing corn in that tank - tiny fields of golden corn waving gently in the breeze.
That's when I realized - I was the owner of the world's first Trotskyite collectivized ant farm commune.
I guess I shouldn't have given them that speech telling them how proud I was to own them. One night, they tore down all the tiny little statues of myself I'd put up around the apartment. They annexed the cat's litter box, but they gave that back a couple of hours later.
So to retaliate, I bought a sun lamp, put it over that fishtank, and set it on high. A couple minutes later, the corn started po popping out as popcorn. Pop! Pop! Pop! Some of the dumber ants thought it was fireworks and started applauding.
And that's as far as I've written this joke, as I think there's probably a somewhat limited audience for it.
Monday, December 26, 2005
A MONTH AGO
My Internet Service Provider went out of business, and tomorrow the Evil Empire (Time Warner) is installing high-speed Internet.
Which means no more checking my e-mail at an Internet Cafe beneath a party supplies store, where there's a bunch of kids playing some kind of online game where in order to win, apparently one must scream the word "FAGGOT!" at one's opponents at the top of one's lungs. The loudest screamer, I'm guessing, is then crowned King Faggot.
It also means that I willonce again start posting here more or less regularly. Sorry, everyone.
Hope you all had a happy Druid Human Sacrifice Ritual Day yesterday.
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Which means no more checking my e-mail at an Internet Cafe beneath a party supplies store, where there's a bunch of kids playing some kind of online game where in order to win, apparently one must scream the word "FAGGOT!" at one's opponents at the top of one's lungs. The loudest screamer, I'm guessing, is then crowned King Faggot.
It also means that I willonce again start posting here more or less regularly. Sorry, everyone.
Hope you all had a happy Druid Human Sacrifice Ritual Day yesterday.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYBODY
See you next week!
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Tuesday, December 20, 2005
I LIKE TO DATE SMART WOMEN
HAPPY TRANSIT STRIKE DAY ALL!
And for those of you outside of New York City, hello!
Where have I been, you ask? NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!
Um, I mean, nowhere in particular. Just slowing down a bit for the holidays.
* * * * *
Anyway, as the title of this post implies, I'm attracted to smart women.
I dated a woman once who was intellectually my superior. That's not too hard; I dropped out of college. I dropped out of college after three and a half years. And the sad part is that I was only 120 credits from graduating. That's right, if I'd only stuck with it a little longer, then today I'd be a sophomore.
The worst part is that I dropped out right in the middle of an American History course, which means now I'll never know how it turns out! SIDEWAYS FROWNY FACE FOR SURE!
I dated a smarter woman, but it was fine. We would curl up on the couch with our books. She'd be reading Tolstoy from hers, and I'd be coloring a duckie in mine.
She told me that she'd read "A Brief History of Time," by Steven Hawking - the science whiz.
And I thought, "Shoot, any book she can read, I can read."
So I read this book by Steven Hawking, and first of all, someone needs to buy Mr. Genius a dictionary, because his definition of "brief" is radically different than mine.
Don't get me wrong, there was a lot of "time" involved in reading this book.
That book should have been called, "A Brief History of Oh My God My Head Hurts All These Words Hurt My Head!"
Then I read a book called "A Brief History of Fudge."
I mean, the Universe didn't make any more sense to me, but it was filled with a gooey deliciousness.
* * * * *
We had an argument about The Meaning of Life. She said it was a brief moment to grasp at the greater glory of God.
And I said it was a window of 70 or 80 years where we can eat as much fudge as possible.
She called me base and shallow and a buffoon.
And I said yeah, but I'm 28 and I've already accomplished my life's purpose. Good luck grasping for the greater glory or whatever.
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And for those of you outside of New York City, hello!
Where have I been, you ask? NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!
Um, I mean, nowhere in particular. Just slowing down a bit for the holidays.
* * * * *
Anyway, as the title of this post implies, I'm attracted to smart women.
I dated a woman once who was intellectually my superior. That's not too hard; I dropped out of college. I dropped out of college after three and a half years. And the sad part is that I was only 120 credits from graduating. That's right, if I'd only stuck with it a little longer, then today I'd be a sophomore.
The worst part is that I dropped out right in the middle of an American History course, which means now I'll never know how it turns out! SIDEWAYS FROWNY FACE FOR SURE!
I dated a smarter woman, but it was fine. We would curl up on the couch with our books. She'd be reading Tolstoy from hers, and I'd be coloring a duckie in mine.
She told me that she'd read "A Brief History of Time," by Steven Hawking - the science whiz.
And I thought, "Shoot, any book she can read, I can read."
So I read this book by Steven Hawking, and first of all, someone needs to buy Mr. Genius a dictionary, because his definition of "brief" is radically different than mine.
Don't get me wrong, there was a lot of "time" involved in reading this book.
That book should have been called, "A Brief History of Oh My God My Head Hurts All These Words Hurt My Head!"
Then I read a book called "A Brief History of Fudge."
I mean, the Universe didn't make any more sense to me, but it was filled with a gooey deliciousness.
* * * * *
We had an argument about The Meaning of Life. She said it was a brief moment to grasp at the greater glory of God.
And I said it was a window of 70 or 80 years where we can eat as much fudge as possible.
She called me base and shallow and a buffoon.
And I said yeah, but I'm 28 and I've already accomplished my life's purpose. Good luck grasping for the greater glory or whatever.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
TELL YOUR FRIENDS!
That's right folks, put on your awkwardly-almost-dancing shoes and strap the nog feeder to your face because Tell Your Friends! is having a holiday party. And unlike your boring office party, there are no pesky "sexual harassment guidelines" to spoil our fun!
This week's show will feature a special surprise guest (he hasn't confirmed yet), gifts for the first 30 or so audience members (depending on how many I make before I get bored), and free Pringles! As well, as a fantastic lineup.
Then we're taking the next two weeks off, so this will be our last show of 2005 (I've already made my first New Year's resolution: to not be one of those annoying jerks that goes around telling everyone his New Year's resolutions. Seriously, who needs that?), and I would love to see all of you beautiful people crammed into our tiny basement paradise.
That sounded creepy.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 19th
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW
WITH YOUR MC - Baron Vaughn
Jason Trachtenberg
The paterfamilias of The Trachtenberg Family Slideshow Players, he has appeared on "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" and toured extensively throughout the USA and Europe.
Possible Surprise Guest
No promises, but you've been asking when this guy's doing the show, and Monday may very well be the day. This guy has had two half-hour specials on Comedy Central, and he has made many appearances on "The Late Show w/ David Letterman" and "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien." He also had a song which became an international hit record, and his credits just go on and on.
Amanda Melson
A writer for "Friday Night w/ Greg Giraldo," "Sara Schaeffer Is Obsessed With You," and "Saturday Night Rewritten"
Liam McEneaney
From "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever," and a writer for "Friday Night w/ Greg Giraldo"
Jeff Mac
The reigning "Mr. Lower East Side"
AND OUR HOUSE BAND - Ann Enzminger, About whom, the New York Press said, "Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Then Time Out NY said, "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak."
And The Onion called her, "Surprisingly tolerable."
Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney
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This week's show will feature a special surprise guest (he hasn't confirmed yet), gifts for the first 30 or so audience members (depending on how many I make before I get bored), and free Pringles! As well, as a fantastic lineup.
Then we're taking the next two weeks off, so this will be our last show of 2005 (I've already made my first New Year's resolution: to not be one of those annoying jerks that goes around telling everyone his New Year's resolutions. Seriously, who needs that?), and I would love to see all of you beautiful people crammed into our tiny basement paradise.
That sounded creepy.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 19th
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW
WITH YOUR MC - Baron Vaughn
Jason Trachtenberg
The paterfamilias of The Trachtenberg Family Slideshow Players, he has appeared on "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" and toured extensively throughout the USA and Europe.
Possible Surprise Guest
No promises, but you've been asking when this guy's doing the show, and Monday may very well be the day. This guy has had two half-hour specials on Comedy Central, and he has made many appearances on "The Late Show w/ David Letterman" and "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien." He also had a song which became an international hit record, and his credits just go on and on.
Amanda Melson
A writer for "Friday Night w/ Greg Giraldo," "Sara Schaeffer Is Obsessed With You," and "Saturday Night Rewritten"
Liam McEneaney
From "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever," and a writer for "Friday Night w/ Greg Giraldo"
Jeff Mac
The reigning "Mr. Lower East Side"
AND OUR HOUSE BAND - Ann Enzminger, About whom, the New York Press said, "Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Then Time Out NY said, "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak."
And The Onion called her, "Surprisingly tolerable."
Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
OKAY...
Here's what I don't get - the government reassures us that, in case of nuclear attack, there's underground caves and tunnels they'll hide in so the government can continue functioning.
If there's a nuclear attack, why would I want the government that let it happen to keep going?
I mean, they've clearly just done a shitty job governing. I want an emergency backup government, maybe in a glass case with a hammer marked, "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS."
I want that first post-nuclear meeting to start, "Okay, first order of business, no more getting attacked with nuclear weapons."
* * * * *
I was on a date with a woman, and she kept talking about these three roommates she had, and it took me a couple of hours to realize that she was talking about her cats.
Because at first, she was like, "Yeah we all like to sit down and watch TV, but Peter leaves when CSI: Miami's on because he hates violence."
But then she started saying things like, "Joey took a dump in my shoe, so I locked him in the closet for five hours."
Really? Sounds like you and your friends lead - complicated - lives.
"Yeah, Mr. Whiskers tried to eat my geraniums."
You know, I meant to ask. Mr. "Whiskers." Is that Ukrainian? Also, why so formal? Do you know his first name? Muffins, maybe?
And then she said, "No silly, those aren't people. Those are my three cats. I mean, I do live in a studio apartment."
Oh, my mistake. Your roomates aren't crazy. You are.
Because let's be honest, if you're a single woman with more than one cat, you've given up. You can either choose a second cat, or a second date. If you own three animals that shit in a box in your bathroom, then you'd also better find yourself a man without a nose.
If you own more than one cat, you're eiher saying, "I give up," or you're saying, "I have rats. I have rats that fashioned crude weapons, and my primary cat needs a backup - and a flamethrower."
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If there's a nuclear attack, why would I want the government that let it happen to keep going?
I mean, they've clearly just done a shitty job governing. I want an emergency backup government, maybe in a glass case with a hammer marked, "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS."
I want that first post-nuclear meeting to start, "Okay, first order of business, no more getting attacked with nuclear weapons."
* * * * *
I was on a date with a woman, and she kept talking about these three roommates she had, and it took me a couple of hours to realize that she was talking about her cats.
Because at first, she was like, "Yeah we all like to sit down and watch TV, but Peter leaves when CSI: Miami's on because he hates violence."
But then she started saying things like, "Joey took a dump in my shoe, so I locked him in the closet for five hours."
Really? Sounds like you and your friends lead - complicated - lives.
"Yeah, Mr. Whiskers tried to eat my geraniums."
You know, I meant to ask. Mr. "Whiskers." Is that Ukrainian? Also, why so formal? Do you know his first name? Muffins, maybe?
And then she said, "No silly, those aren't people. Those are my three cats. I mean, I do live in a studio apartment."
Oh, my mistake. Your roomates aren't crazy. You are.
Because let's be honest, if you're a single woman with more than one cat, you've given up. You can either choose a second cat, or a second date. If you own three animals that shit in a box in your bathroom, then you'd also better find yourself a man without a nose.
If you own more than one cat, you're eiher saying, "I give up," or you're saying, "I have rats. I have rats that fashioned crude weapons, and my primary cat needs a backup - and a flamethrower."
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I'M NOT A SMOOTH TALKER WITH THE LADIES
I always say the wrong thing to them.
Like one time, I wanted to say to a woman, "You're so beautiful, like an angel."
But it came out, "You know how dead people get, all pale and floaty? That's you."
Another time, I tried to say, "You're like a flower - delicate, beautiful, and inspiring a dash of beauty in an otherwise grey world."
But it came out, "I want to plant you in the ground, beneath the dirt."
One time I was on a date with a woman at a bar, and we were watching a stripper girlfriend giving her boyfriend a lap-dance at the bar, and I wanted to say, "She thinks she's sexy, but you're the sexiest woman in this bar."
But it came out, "She thinks she's the biggest whore in this bar, but it's - I mean, it's me. Lemme strip for you."
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Like one time, I wanted to say to a woman, "You're so beautiful, like an angel."
But it came out, "You know how dead people get, all pale and floaty? That's you."
Another time, I tried to say, "You're like a flower - delicate, beautiful, and inspiring a dash of beauty in an otherwise grey world."
But it came out, "I want to plant you in the ground, beneath the dirt."
One time I was on a date with a woman at a bar, and we were watching a stripper girlfriend giving her boyfriend a lap-dance at the bar, and I wanted to say, "She thinks she's sexy, but you're the sexiest woman in this bar."
But it came out, "She thinks she's the biggest whore in this bar, but it's - I mean, it's me. Lemme strip for you."
Sunday, December 11, 2005
RIP PRYOR
I'm truly sad today, Richard Pryor is gone. It may be surprising to anyone who's seen my comedy, but he was a HUGE influence on me.
Not so much for what he said; I would never consider myself a Pryor comic, but just for his relentless energy, his searing honesty. He was a great story-teller, a fantastic actor, and an amazing writer (he won an Emmy for co-writing a Lily Tomlin special) who wasn't afraid to take risks.
Good-bye Richard Pryor, I'm truly sorry I never got the chance to meet you and tell yo uwhat an impact you made on my life.
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Not so much for what he said; I would never consider myself a Pryor comic, but just for his relentless energy, his searing honesty. He was a great story-teller, a fantastic actor, and an amazing writer (he won an Emmy for co-writing a Lily Tomlin special) who wasn't afraid to take risks.
Good-bye Richard Pryor, I'm truly sorry I never got the chance to meet you and tell yo uwhat an impact you made on my life.
I HAVE TROUBLE ASSERTING MYSELF
And when I do, it inevitably goes wrong.
I was in a store, buying two bananas, and the guy behind the counter said, "Seventy-five cents."
And I said, "Seventy-five cents for two bananas? How does that work? Do you charge a half-penny here?"
And he said, "Bananas seventy-nine cents a pound. Two bananas, I charge seventy-five cents."
And I said, "How do you know these two bananas weigh a pound? Did yo uweigh them while I wasn't looking?"
And he said, "My friend, I sell bananas all day. I know bananas."
And I said, "You don't know my bananas."
"You want me to weigh your bananas?"
"Yeah!"
Turned out, I owed the guy eighty-seven cents.
The sad part is, I then tried to bargain him back down to the original seventy-five cents.
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I was in a store, buying two bananas, and the guy behind the counter said, "Seventy-five cents."
And I said, "Seventy-five cents for two bananas? How does that work? Do you charge a half-penny here?"
And he said, "Bananas seventy-nine cents a pound. Two bananas, I charge seventy-five cents."
And I said, "How do you know these two bananas weigh a pound? Did yo uweigh them while I wasn't looking?"
And he said, "My friend, I sell bananas all day. I know bananas."
And I said, "You don't know my bananas."
"You want me to weigh your bananas?"
"Yeah!"
Turned out, I owed the guy eighty-seven cents.
The sad part is, I then tried to bargain him back down to the original seventy-five cents.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Tell Your Friends!
I want to have kids, but I don't think my parents are ready to take care of them yet.
And with that HILARIOUS joke out of the way, let's plug a show, shall we?
First, let's take a second to BRAG! about this fantastic write-up we got in The Onion this week:
"Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson. Here, McEneaney hosts everyone's favorite tall comedienne, Judy Gold."
Thank you, The Onion, which is my favorite fake newspaper (right ahead of The NY Post - OH SNAP!).
MONDAY, DECEMBER 12th
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW
WITH YOUR MC - Craig Baldo
AND YOUR FEATURED ACTS:
Judy Gold
Judy has had her own HBO and Comedy Central 1/2-hour specials, and is an Emmy-winning writer/producer for "The Rosie O'Donnel Show." In her career, she has appeared on just about every show that matters.
Bob Powers
Bob is the guy behind cult hits like girlsarepretty.com and "How To Kick People," and he is the author of the book "Happy Cruelty Day," forthcoming from St. Martin's Press.
Rob Cantrell
From Comedy Central's "Premium Blend," the first season of "Last Comic Standing," "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn," and "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien"
Moody McCarthy
As seen on "Jimmy Kimmel Live," "Star Search 2003," and "CBS' The Early Show"
Fiona Walsh
Straight from Ireland, Fiona hosts her own show, "Sundays at 7" at the Irish Arts Center on the West Side.
AND MORE!
AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY
* "Surprisingly tolerable" - The Onion
WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows." - The Onion
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney
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And with that HILARIOUS joke out of the way, let's plug a show, shall we?
First, let's take a second to BRAG! about this fantastic write-up we got in The Onion this week:
"Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson. Here, McEneaney hosts everyone's favorite tall comedienne, Judy Gold."
Thank you, The Onion, which is my favorite fake newspaper (right ahead of The NY Post - OH SNAP!).
MONDAY, DECEMBER 12th
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW
WITH YOUR MC - Craig Baldo
AND YOUR FEATURED ACTS:
Judy Gold
Judy has had her own HBO and Comedy Central 1/2-hour specials, and is an Emmy-winning writer/producer for "The Rosie O'Donnel Show." In her career, she has appeared on just about every show that matters.
Bob Powers
Bob is the guy behind cult hits like girlsarepretty.com and "How To Kick People," and he is the author of the book "Happy Cruelty Day," forthcoming from St. Martin's Press.
Rob Cantrell
From Comedy Central's "Premium Blend," the first season of "Last Comic Standing," "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn," and "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien"
Moody McCarthy
As seen on "Jimmy Kimmel Live," "Star Search 2003," and "CBS' The Early Show"
Fiona Walsh
Straight from Ireland, Fiona hosts her own show, "Sundays at 7" at the Irish Arts Center on the West Side.
AND MORE!
AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY
* "Surprisingly tolerable" - The Onion
WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows." - The Onion
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney
Thursday, December 08, 2005
SORRY GANG, BEEN BUSY
But here's a photo of me at my friends Brandy and Sara's Holiday Party. Doesn't that make you want to hang with me? I'm the belle of the balle!
Next week I should be back to a daily diet of hilarity, I swears it!
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Next week I should be back to a daily diet of hilarity, I swears it!
Monday, December 05, 2005
I CAN'T DATE THE "NORMALS"
I've tried it, lord knows I've tried it, but it just never works.
Who is a "Normal"?
Who is one of my people?
A "Normal" has never been given a "happy" pill by a doctor.
A "Normal" has never had a homeless transsexual speed addict pat them on the shoulder and say, "Oh you poor thing, don't worry things will pick up for you."
A "Normal" has never been swimming in the Atlantic Ocean in their underwear with a lesbian burlesque dancer.
A "Normal" has things like a "career path" and "goals" that they "meet" with regularity.
My people tend to be considering a career switch to Starbucks for the health insurance.
A "Normal" still mourns Kurt Cobain because he died too young.
My people mourn Billy Joel, because he didn't die young enough.
A "Normal" knows that the best entertainment comes on HBO.
One of my people knows that the best entertainment comes from getting Crazy Paranoid Chris to talk about how the government is trying to steal his bicycle.
A "Normal" might talk to themselves, but my people tend to carry on conversations with themselves because they never know what's going to come out of their mouth.
On the other hand, if you're a "Normal" tend to spend a lot less time watching performance poetry. You meet more people with job titles like "Vice President," and less people with job titles like "The Human Sound Effects Machine."
You do things on a regular basis, like "eat," because you do other things on a less regular basis, like "blow your entire paycheck at a bar."
And you worry about getting mugged in a dangerous neighborhod, because you tend to actually own things of value.
If you're a "Normal," pets are pets, and not "the only thing on God's Green Earth that could understand me."
If you're so batshit bent-at-a-right-angle-from-reality that the only thing on God's Green Earth that could possibly understand you is a 10 pound animal with a pea-sized brain and an IQ of two digits, you're one of my people. And please don't e-mail me saying your pet is smarter than I give it credit for because I promis I believe you.
If there's a restaurant where the maitre'd knows your name, you're a "Normal."
If there's a diner where the waitress knows you as "Oh no, not you again, you're one of my people.
If you get drunk and scream "WOO!" to celebrate the fact that YOU'RE GOING CRAZY! then you're a "Normal."
If you're getting drunk to celebrate the fact that the doctor says you're not going crazy, you're one of my people.
If your major in college contained the words "gender" and "studies," you might be one of my people.
But if you led a protest against your college's Gender Studies program because their definition of "gender" was too constraining, then you're definitely one of my people.
If you've ever hung out backstage after a rock concert trying to fuck one of the musicians, you're a "Normal."
If you've ever hung out backstage after the circus trying to fuck one of the clowns, then you're a freak and don't talk to me.
If your friend is a clown groupie and you're writing an opera for the flugelhorn about it, you're one of my people.
If you think Vegas is "funny" because it's ironic and kitschy, then you're a "Normal."
If you think Vegas is "funny" because you can watch businessmen lose more money in ten minutes than you'll ever see in your life, then you're a cocktail waitress in a Vegas casino.
If you think Vegas is the greatest place on Earth because it lets you indulge every one of your crippling addictions simultaneously, then you're one of my people.
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Who is a "Normal"?
Who is one of my people?
A "Normal" has never been given a "happy" pill by a doctor.
A "Normal" has never had a homeless transsexual speed addict pat them on the shoulder and say, "Oh you poor thing, don't worry things will pick up for you."
A "Normal" has never been swimming in the Atlantic Ocean in their underwear with a lesbian burlesque dancer.
A "Normal" has things like a "career path" and "goals" that they "meet" with regularity.
My people tend to be considering a career switch to Starbucks for the health insurance.
A "Normal" still mourns Kurt Cobain because he died too young.
My people mourn Billy Joel, because he didn't die young enough.
A "Normal" knows that the best entertainment comes on HBO.
One of my people knows that the best entertainment comes from getting Crazy Paranoid Chris to talk about how the government is trying to steal his bicycle.
A "Normal" might talk to themselves, but my people tend to carry on conversations with themselves because they never know what's going to come out of their mouth.
On the other hand, if you're a "Normal" tend to spend a lot less time watching performance poetry. You meet more people with job titles like "Vice President," and less people with job titles like "The Human Sound Effects Machine."
You do things on a regular basis, like "eat," because you do other things on a less regular basis, like "blow your entire paycheck at a bar."
And you worry about getting mugged in a dangerous neighborhod, because you tend to actually own things of value.
If you're a "Normal," pets are pets, and not "the only thing on God's Green Earth that could understand me."
If you're so batshit bent-at-a-right-angle-from-reality that the only thing on God's Green Earth that could possibly understand you is a 10 pound animal with a pea-sized brain and an IQ of two digits, you're one of my people. And please don't e-mail me saying your pet is smarter than I give it credit for because I promis I believe you.
If there's a restaurant where the maitre'd knows your name, you're a "Normal."
If there's a diner where the waitress knows you as "Oh no, not you again, you're one of my people.
If you get drunk and scream "WOO!" to celebrate the fact that YOU'RE GOING CRAZY! then you're a "Normal."
If you're getting drunk to celebrate the fact that the doctor says you're not going crazy, you're one of my people.
If your major in college contained the words "gender" and "studies," you might be one of my people.
But if you led a protest against your college's Gender Studies program because their definition of "gender" was too constraining, then you're definitely one of my people.
If you've ever hung out backstage after a rock concert trying to fuck one of the musicians, you're a "Normal."
If you've ever hung out backstage after the circus trying to fuck one of the clowns, then you're a freak and don't talk to me.
If your friend is a clown groupie and you're writing an opera for the flugelhorn about it, you're one of my people.
If you think Vegas is "funny" because it's ironic and kitschy, then you're a "Normal."
If you think Vegas is "funny" because you can watch businessmen lose more money in ten minutes than you'll ever see in your life, then you're a cocktail waitress in a Vegas casino.
If you think Vegas is the greatest place on Earth because it lets you indulge every one of your crippling addictions simultaneously, then you're one of my people.
Friday, December 02, 2005
THE SPAM THAT COMES TO YOU!
Hey all,
We only have three more shows until Tell Your Friends! takes a December holiday break, so if you've been meaning to come out for the first time, or come back and check it out again, December's the month to do it. We've got some of NYC's best comedians coming out.
In fact, I'm trying to come up with a catchy name for December. Fans of TYF! will remember that "October" was "Rocktober!" which people appreciated.
Then I tried "No-Means-No!vember," which people did not appreciate so much. So "Dismembered December" is on hold, and if you have a catchier nickname I'd love to hear it.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 5th
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW
WITH YOUR MC - Baron Vaughn
Dan Allen
As seen on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend"
Todd Barry
Will be with us warming up for the taping of his second "Comedy Central Presents" 1/2-hour special. Todd has appeared on "The Late Show w/ David Letterman," "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien," and has two albums out on Comedy Central Records: "Fallin' Off The Bone" and "Medium Energy."
Judah Friedlander
He was nominated for Best Supporting Actor at the Independent Spirit Awards for his role in "American Splendor." He's also known as the Hugs Guy in the Dave Matthews Band video, "Everyday." He is a regular on VH1's "Best Week Ever." His standup appearances include "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno," "Last Call w/ Carson Daly," "The Late Late Show w/ Craig Kilborn," and "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn."
Liam McEneaney
From "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever"
Aubrey Tennant
A terribly talented comedian who has appeared at the Vancouver Comedy Festival. You may remember Aubrey from his previous TYF! appearance as the rapper Big Panteez.
AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY
WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney
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We only have three more shows until Tell Your Friends! takes a December holiday break, so if you've been meaning to come out for the first time, or come back and check it out again, December's the month to do it. We've got some of NYC's best comedians coming out.
In fact, I'm trying to come up with a catchy name for December. Fans of TYF! will remember that "October" was "Rocktober!" which people appreciated.
Then I tried "No-Means-No!vember," which people did not appreciate so much. So "Dismembered December" is on hold, and if you have a catchier nickname I'd love to hear it.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 5th
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW
WITH YOUR MC - Baron Vaughn
Dan Allen
As seen on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend"
Todd Barry
Will be with us warming up for the taping of his second "Comedy Central Presents" 1/2-hour special. Todd has appeared on "The Late Show w/ David Letterman," "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien," and has two albums out on Comedy Central Records: "Fallin' Off The Bone" and "Medium Energy."
Judah Friedlander
He was nominated for Best Supporting Actor at the Independent Spirit Awards for his role in "American Splendor." He's also known as the Hugs Guy in the Dave Matthews Band video, "Everyday." He is a regular on VH1's "Best Week Ever." His standup appearances include "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno," "Last Call w/ Carson Daly," "The Late Late Show w/ Craig Kilborn," and "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn."
Liam McEneaney
From "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever"
Aubrey Tennant
A terribly talented comedian who has appeared at the Vancouver Comedy Festival. You may remember Aubrey from his previous TYF! appearance as the rapper Big Panteez.
AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY
WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney
