The Liam McEneaney Experience

(LIAM'S NOTE: There's an actual "funny" post below this one.)

There's an award called the ECNY Award, the Emerging Comics of NY. I would like for you to vote for me as Best Comedian (male) and Best Website (gender-nuetral, although leaning towards effeminate). To help you out, I've created a handy-dandy guide below to me and the other good folks you should vote for.
PLEASE CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR ME
.

Thank you.

WHO YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR:
Best male standup comedian: 
Liam McEneaney

Best female standup comedian: 
Amanda Melson

Best sketch comedy group: 
Claudia Cogan & Liam McEneaney

Best director of a comedy show: 
Brian Finklestein

Best comedy writer: 
Bob Powers

Best one person show: 
Todd Levin - Weeping Softly Into My Beard

Best variety show: 
How To Kick People

Best comedic duo: 
Claudia Cogan & Liam McEneaney

Best host of a variety show or comedic event: 
Bob Powers & Todd Levin

Best short comedic film: 
Kevin Maher - "Che Guevera Zombie Horror Theater"

Best technician: 
Carter Edwards

Best improv group:  
The Swarm

Best comedic website: 
kidliam.blogspot.com

Best musical act: 
Rob Paravonian

Best venue: 
The PIT

Best flyer: 
Todd Levin - Weeping Softly Into My Beard

Most fucked up thing I saw this year: 
A guy fucking a sock monkey

FOR PREMATURE EJACULATORS
Dear Penthouse;
I have a twin sister, with whom I share everything - clothes, taste in music, and even - oh God. Okay, I'm done.
- Sleepless in Oklahoma City, OK

Dear Penthouse;
Teaching French in an - Oh Jeez. That was a good story.
- Hot for Teacher, Denver, CO

Dear Penthouse;
I never thought this could - oh, I'm so sorry.
- Trumpet Player in Truckee, CA

* * * * * * *
And so on and so forth. As you can see, I prefer to write comedy - well, "comedy" is not a sophisticated enough word for what I write - I prefer to write humourous think-pieces that are as subtle as they are intelligent.

Just some thoughts:
* I am not a racist. I am way too busy hating myself to get worked up hating other people.

* If your boss ever says, "I don't want you to treat me like your boss. I want you to think of me as your friend" - run. The other way. Fast. Faster than that.
I lost a job because I said, "Okay, but I spend a lot of time with my friends bitching about you. Man, the only thing worse than that guy's breath is his toupee. Right now, there's a horse walking around bald."

* Tonight, I went to a party at a club that Jay-Z owns, called The 40/40 Club. The party was in The Jay-Z Lounge. I didn't have a great time - there were a lot of friends there, but I'm just not a club guy, personally. The best part was having someone call me, so I could say, "Yeah I'm partying at 40/40, in the Jay-Z Lounge."
Of course, the clientele was exactly who you'd expect at a club owned by one of the country's best rappers - white guys in suits, and the pale and fallow women who follow them around, hoping a diamond will fall onto their finger.

So my friend Sarah apparently works in an office where she gets to watch cable television all day. And she called me and said, "Hey Liam, turn on ESPN2. You're welcome."

It was the World Juggling Championships.

The. World. Juggling. Championships.

That's right, jugglers from around the world competing for the right to be called "Champion." Juggling has to be the only sport where the person who dedicated the least amount of time to practicing is the actual winner.

Juggling has to be the only sport where the athletes probably got their asses kicked by the high school chess club.
You never hear a professional juggler at a bar: "Yeah, I lettered in thumb-wrestling in high school. But then Notre Dame offered me a juggling scholarship, and there you go..."
Actually, I was really into thumb-wrestling in high school. Until I discovered it was all fake.


Courtesy The World Juggling Federation. Yes, the World Juggling Federation.

They had an interview with the American juggling team. This guy was saying "Juggling is my life."
Okay, we get it. You don't have a life. No need to use all this fancy code.
And his partner was blinking his eyes, and I realized it was Morse code: "HELP. I. AM. PRISONER. OF. JUGGLING. PSYCHO. PLEASE. KILL. ME."

They didn't win. So much for America's so-called vaunted athletic superiority.
The winners were this Romanian juggling team - a 14 year-old boy and a 17 year-old girl.
Steroids.

I guarantee that that 14 year-old boy would give up his gold championship juggling medal for a chance to kiss that girl. Because being the World Champion Juggler doesn't afford a lot of chances to meet girls:
"Hey, whoops, how did this gold medal fall out of my shirt? Oh what's it for? Ever hear of a little something called... juggling? Where are you going? Oh, to that champion tiddlywinks player? Curse you tiddlywinks!"

So there was this commercial during The World Juggling Championships, and it said, "Are you too lazy to learn juggling?"
At first I was like, "Yeah. That's my problem. I'm too lazy. I wish I had enough energy to - stand still and throw things."

Then I realized, "Hey, if you're watching World Champion Juggling on ESPN2 at three in the afternoon, you probably are too lazy to learn juggling. In fact, you're probably sitting there thinking, 'I wish someone would come over and water me. Or at least turn me over so I get rid of these bedsores'."

Anyway, this commercial was for a juggling video game. A juggling video game. Basically, a juggling video game - all the thrills of standing still and throwing clubs around, but without any of the danger.
Basically, it's for guys like me - but brain-damaged and distracted by shiny objects. Or really, really high.

They showed a clip from the video game, and the graphics - well, let's just say the graphics - my old Commodore 64 laughed at the graphics.
If you don't know computer history, the Commodore 64 was an Etch-A-Sketch with a floppy drive.

Anyway, the huge selling point for this video game was, "The only video game featuring World Juggling Champion Jason Garfield!"
No! Are you sure? Did you play Grand Theft Auto, because I think he might have been in that. Really? Wow, what a shock!

I love imagining the meeting they must have had to discuss it: "Okay, we know kids love juggling. And kids love video games. Now we need a super-mega-celebrity to really draw those two demographics together. Who can we get . . . for twenty-five dollars?"

"Mark Hamill?"

"Mark Hamill? You fool! We already used him for World Championship Horseshoes 7!!!!"

My friend Claudia and I were talking the other day, and she said:
"I'm sorry, I forgot how too-important the Mets are in your life."
And I replied:
"Yeah, well until I get something in my life that loves me back, I gotta focus that energy somewhere..."

Then we argued over who got to do that onstage.

* * * * * *

WARNING: There are some good parts to this following joke, just like I know there are some horribly unbearable parts. Just remember, even To My Brother With Whom I Slept started in Bill Cosby's notebook as a disjointed series of unconnected observations. Not that I'm as good as the Great and All-Powerful Cos, but it's just something I tell myself to keep from quitting.

I was called for jury duty. Jury duty makes no sense, because the goal is to drag twelve people away from their lives, stick them in a box with eleven strangers in the most deadly-dull place on Earth, week after week until you're so pissed that you're ready to kill someone.

Then the state says, "Okay, see that guy behind the defense table, the one who's so dumb he got caught, which is the only reason you have to come out here day after day? Go into an anonymous rom and decide whether he lives or he dies."

I mean, look at me. I can barely dress myself in the morning.

The genius thing about the American judicial system is that anyone could end up on your jury - doctors, lawyers, professors.

The problem with the American judicial system is that those people are way too smart to get stuck on jury duty, so anyone could end up on your jury -

The Korean War Vet with a "DAVID DUKE FOR PRESIDENT" bumper sticker, with is pet gun "Rosco" cradled like a baby which he lovingly strokes? He's on your jury.

The one-eyed sea captain with the invisible people who won't stop screaming at him, until he has no choice but to pound his head against the table, "I NEVER KILLED ANYONE!!!" He's on your jury.

The old lady who carries her string collection in eighteen shopping bags? Good news - she's your jury foreman. Because she's "the sane one."

Someone told me, "If you want to get out of jury duty, act crazy."
What a fantastic piece of opposite advice. I was in the waiting room, waiting to be voir dired. The waiting room for jury duty is kind of like the waiting room for the morgue in the back of the DMV. It's beyond dead, it's actually undead. It's kind of cool actually, because the way the room smells, it's like you're breathing the same air your ancestors once farted.

And there's a guy in the middle of the room, just yelling into his cell phone, "I don't care who he is, you tell him if he's fucking late with my fucking money I'll break his fucking thumbs. You hear me? His fucking thumbs! All right honey, now give daddy a kiss goodbye."
And all I could think was, "Please let this guy be in my jury pool."

Serving on jury duty's torture, and let no one tell you otherwise.
Because the way the judicial system works is, if you're in court, you're here to be punished somehow.
Jury duty is like taking a temp assignment from Satan. And your assignment is to sit in Purgatory, watching the eons of nothingness go by and - and here's the kicker - and you have to take notes.


And that's all for the jury duty bit right now. It's still very rough-hewn.
I'm just not 100% sure I'm on the right path yet. Ah well - there's always Britney Spears jokes!

That was the front page headline of yesterday's New York Daily News (from whose website, the above picture was taken).

Okay, so apparently the story is that the NYC Hospitals worker in that extremely flattering photo was the "designated buyer" for an office lottery pool, for the Mega Millions jackpot. He had a ticket that came in second place - winning a grand total of $175,000 ($107,000 minus taxes). He says it was a ticket that he purchased individually, not in the office pool, and therefore he has no intention of sharing any of the money with anyone. His coworkers are suing him, ensuring that eventually, all the money will end up in the right hands - the lawyers'.

I'm walking down Fifth Avenue yesterday, across from the Empire State Building, and I see a cluster of people. Now, if you've lived in New York for any length of time you know that - yeah, sure the tourists might like Broadway, but if you want to entertain a native New Yorker, take them out for an evening of street theatre. Seriously, New Yorkers will stand in a circle on a sidewalk and watch a crazy guy waving around a loaded gun - for five minutes, until they realize that they've got somewhere else more important to be and split. If you're a street crazy who wants a long run in this town, you've got to step it up a notch or you're going to lose your audience.

As I approach the cluster, I realize there's the Channel 9 Eyewitless News van. In front of the McDonald's across from the Empire State there's TV cameras, microphones (1010 WINS, NY1, CBS, Channel 9) in a rack in front of two guys dressed in cheap suits one in a cheap suit with almost comically wide stripes (like he'd just auditioned for the part of Benny the Hilariously Stereotypical Ambulance Chaser in a dinner theatre production of Damon Runyon's Tales of Extremely Broadly-Drawn Characters: The Musical), the other not.

My first thought is - "McDonald's on Fifth and 33rd called a press conference? To what - announce five straight finger-free days?"

Mr. Cheap Not-Striped Suit starts to talk - turns out he's a lawyer for the Mega-Meanie. As I stand, straining to hear him, my mind wanders trying to figure out exactly why they chose this spot for their press conference. I guess they wanted the Empire State Building for their background? Which would be an extremely cool visual, only everyone's standing on ground level, so all you really saw was the majestic and soaring Houlihan's on the first floor.
Inspiring stuff, I grant you, but not exactly a lawyerly concern. Personally, I like to hold all my press conferences in front of Senor Swanky's, but that's me.

Anyway, as No Stripes talks, Mr. Stripes, on cue, unrolls a big Xerox copy of the lottery tickets Mega Meanie had bought for his coworkers - it was their habit of copying the tickets he bought, and having all the people in the pool sign it. You know, to avoid potential hard feelings and messy lawsuits. Um, that worked great.

Then the reporters started asking questions and I realized - I've seen press conferences on TV many times, and I never thought I'd get to ask a question. Yet, here I was on the street, close enough that I was almost an active participant, and I had nothing to ask. The only burning question I really had for the attorneys was - "Did you guys actually rehearse that moment when the stripe suit guy unrolled the huge Xerox? Also, how did you decide who got to speak? Coin toss? Or does the other guy have a stutter?"

Alas, at that particular point, I had not read about the case. As is my usual M.O. when reading the Daily News, I read every section - Sports, the comics, the Op-Ed - except for the news, which is pretty useless as a focal point for gathering information. I know what you're thinking - "Liam, clearly any paper that treats an office lottery fight as front page news clearly is the only news source you'll ever need." I guess I must be dumb. Or read above a seocnd grade level.

I may not be 100% well-informed on the facts of the case, but I do know one thing: that guy is going to have the most awkward first day back on the job ever.

I like a stout ale.
Because "stout" is both the name of what it is, and what it will make you.

* * * * * *

Starbucks is looking for "people with a passion for coffee."

Don't get me wrong, I like coffee - but only as a friend.

I mean, sure I like to have coffee with me in the morning, read the paper, get some breakfast.
But when it comes to going out and having fun, I always end up with Sweet Lady Alcohol.
Sure she's trashy, and loud, and always turns on me in the end.
But dammit, nature didn't make me look attractive. I need all the help I can get.

Because you see, society lets women who aren't that attractive put on makeup.
But less-than-attractive guys can't wear makeup.
That's where eight or nine drinks help us even the score.
Even though it won't make us physically look better, it'll help make sure that the woman we're talking to doesn't care.

* * * * * *

I used to have a friend, a poet. He says his name is "Freelings," because "Hey man - my feelings really make me free."

The last time he ever talked to me, we were having a discussion about the nature of love, and he said, "Hey man, you ever have a love so deep that it could stop time and bring a kingdom to its knees?"

And I said, "No, but I have had chocolate cheesecake. And from the way you describe love, chocolate cheesecake is about ten times more awesome."

And Freelings said, "Love is a real thing."

To which I replied, "So is chocolate cheesecake. And I don't have to play any mind-games to get some. If I want it - boom, there it is. And the only person I hate when I'm done with it is myself."

"That isn't love."

"You've clearly never had chocolate cheesecake, my friend."

CLAUDIA COGAN AND LIAM McENEANEY WILL BE DOING A SKETCH SHOW IN MAY

Check out this candid paparazzi shot of these two superstars rehearsing:

Yessir kiddies, if it's midweek then that can only mean one thing - I've run out of things to write about, and so plan to lazily post some jokes that were not included on last week's episode of VH1's The Best Week Ever Show. Of course, if you don't have cable, you're going to have to imagine that I'm making goofy faces and glancing wildly around as you read this.

Express Lane

1. ANNA NICOLE SMITH - NEW NATIONAL ENQUIRER COLUMNIST:
Anna Nicole Smith will begin her new career as a columnist for the National Enquirer in the magazine's next issue.
I guess they decided to cut out the middleman and pay her to cover her own trainwreck antics.

2. FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA ANGRY ABOUT GODFATHER VIDEO GAME: Francis Ford Coppola is angry at Paramount for turning the "Godfather" into a violent video game.
Said Coppola, "I already turned those characters into a violent one-dimensional cartoon in The Godfather Part 3."

3. KABALLAH ENERGY DRINK: The new Kaballah Energy Drink hits stores this week.
And I'm gonna need an energy drink, considering how tired I am of hearing Madonna talk about the Kabbalah.

* * * * *

Upgrade/Downgrade: New Spring Shows!
Sometimes a mid season replacement brings a breath of fresh air to a slagging spring season- upgrade! Other times it makes you long for Whoopi- Downgrade!

1. Life With Fran - Fran's son returns from college to discover his mom has a new live in boyfriend half her age, his little sister is all grown up, and there's a guy living in his closet. Comedy ensues!

How believable is the premise?
* The show centers around an older woman "doin' it" with her younger handyman. It's like Desperate Housewives, except you only wish someone would kill the main character.
* Have you seen what your average handyman charges? Having sex with the guy isn't a scandal, it's a form of really smart bargain-hunting.

Is this less annoying or more annoying than the Nanny?
* This show isn't more annoying than the Nanny, only because that's like asking if a dental drill is more annoying than getting punched in the face.
* Sorry to challenge you Fran Drescher, but there's only room on TVfor one annoying comic from Queens, and that's this guy.

Upgrade/Downgrade?
* "Franny Fine" has become "Franny Eh." Downgrade.
* In terms of roles that Fran Drescher can be proud of, this falls somewhere in between her role as Velma Velour in Car 54 Where Are You? The Movie and Pamela Finklestein in UHF. Downgrade.


2. Grey's Anatomy - Grey's Anatomy focuses on young people struggling to be doctors and doctors struggling to stay human. It's the drama and intensity of medical training mixed with the funny, sexy, painful lives of interns.

Did we really need another medical drama?
* This show fills in the serious hole in all of our hearts left by the cancellation of AfterM*A*S*H.
* Hey, if I want to see a second-rate version of ER, I'll turn on ER.
* This show is a dramedy that combines the hilarious comedy of Mandy Patinkin in Chicago Hope with the serious dramatic chops of Jamie Farr in M*A*S*H.

b. UPGRADE/DOWNGRADE?
* I think ABC's new ad campaign should be "Grey's Anatomy – because you're too damn lazy to find your remote." Downgrade.
* Grey's Anatomy? More like Grey's Not-gonna-be-watched-by-me. Downgrade.
* Hey, if I want the sexy side of nursing, I'll jack off to Kathy Bates in Misery - again. Downgrade.

4. Jake in Progress - Jake In Progress is a fast-paced new comedy series about a smooth-as-silk celebrity publicist, Jake Phillips, who tries to spin his professional and personal life in the best possible light, but doesn't always succeed.

Which do role do you consider John Stamos at his best? Jake - (Jake in Progress) Uncle Jesse, (Full House) Blackie (General Hospital)?
* I'm confused – on Full House was he the comedian where was unfunny by accident, or was he the soap actor where he was unfunny on purpose?
* I like that his General Hospital character was named "Blackie," which is a dog's name. It's like, "Ohhh, look how cute John Stamos is. The way he looks at us, it's like he understands every word we say. Act, John Stamos, act!"

Why does John Stamos always equal good tv?
* John Stamos has actually got something – he's like your cool older brother... 's friend who you don't mind seeing around once in a while.

b. UPGRADE/DOWNGRADE?
* John Stamos lost Rebecca Romjin to Jerry O'Connell. Jerry O'Connell! From KANGAROO JACK! This isn't a bad sitcom, this is an almost-adequate consolation prize. Upgrade.
* Jake in Progress? Wake me up when they show Jake Final Product. Downgrade for the show, Upgrade for the awesomeness of my joke!

5. Stacked - this show revolves around beautiful Skyler Dayton (Pamela Anderson) who is tired of her non-stop partying lifestyle and bad choices in boyfriends.
Wanting a major life change, she gets a job at "The Stacks," a small family-run bookstore owned by Gavin DeWitt and his brother, Stuart.

Will this be Pam An's biggest tv hit ever
* I love the clever word-play in the title. Because "Stacked" refers to not only to the name of the bookstore "Stacks," but also to Pamela Anderson, a single lady who really has the odds "stacked" against her.
* For a lot of Pamela Anderson's fans, this'll be their first look inside a bookstore that doesn't have peep booths in the back.

Upgrade/Downgrade?
* I think the only way they can get people to watch this is if it costars Tommy Lee's wing-wang. Downgrade!
* Finally, something on TV to wack off to other than Antique Road Show. Upgrade!

6. Eyes- (Liam's Note: I have read the following description of this show - no lie - probably a dozen times, and it still makes zero sense to me. Enjoy! ) Run by sharp-witted, impulsive Harlan Judd (Tim Daly), Judd Risk Management is a discreet, high-tech firm that handles cases with the highest possible stakes, while operating at the absolute fringe of the law. Along with ruthlessly efficient Nora Gage (Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon) and super slick lawyer Leslie Town (Laura Leighton) and a staff of brilliantly skilled, driven individuals -- some with their own agendas and secrets -- Harlan does whatever it takes to prevail in a world of unsteady alliances and uncertain loyalties.

Whose TV return are you more excited to see, Tim Daly or Laura Leighton?
* Laura Leighton "returning to TV"? Obviously someone isn't watching the Lifetime Original Movie Network!
* What with former Wings cast-mate Crystal Bernard's country-music career, I think Tim Daly's actually racing her to the bottom of the barrel.

Upgrade/Downgrade?
* I think it might be interesting to see how this series devel– oh wait, it just got cancelled. Never mind. Downgrade.
* I think it's awesome that TV now has a "poor man's Tony Shalhoub." Upgrade.
* "Eyes" is the first half of the title. "Uck" is the second. "Eyes Uck." Down-grade.

7. Life On A Stick- This series centers on two best friends Laz and Fred who work at a place called Yippee Hot Dogs and hang out at the mall food court.

* Finally, someone's made a show that recreates the excitement and tension of hanging out at a mall food court all day.
* If I want to watch people working a fry machine, I'll check out the New Kids on the Block "Where Are They Now?" special.

Upgrade/Downgrade?
* Life on a stick? More like Shit on a Stick! Downgrade.
* There's more corn on the script than on the 'dogs! Downgrade!

I finally updated my calendar.

You're welcome.

I come from a long line of cowards.
Which is why it's such a long line.

* * * * * *

BRIEF METS REPORT (for those who could give two shits, there's more jokery below this)
Saturday, I got to watch the Mets win their sixth game in a row despite their own best efforts.

In the end, Saturday's game came down to this question: "Whose bullpen could implode faster?" Although Braden Looper did his best to blow the game, the Mets rallied at the bottom of the 9th inning to win the game. It was very exciting,

They'd made it through a gauntlet of some of the most intimidating pitchers in baseball, including Roger Clemens and Josh Beckett. However, on Sunday they couldn't defeat their biggest enemy - the NY Mets. Especially their old nemesis - Mets pitcher Tom Glavine.

Don't get me wrong; I'd hire Glavine in a heartbeat to take care of my dog, the way he did his best to give out crazy amounts of walks. He issued more walks than the most liberal bleeding heart jury in a Taxachussettes court of appeals.

In the bathroom, I caught a look at myself in the mirror, dressed in a black Mets jersey and matching cap, and realized that I looked like a Make-A-Wish kid. Even at a sporting event, I look as much like a dorkus malorkus as humanly possible without actually being stuffed into a locker. Ah well.

* * * * * *

There's a show on Bravo called Showdogs Moms & Dads, a reality show about the people who own champion showdogs and the crazy shenanigans they get into.

The funniest thing about it is that there all these ads all over the NYC subways for this show with a huge picture of a dog owner and a saying like, "MY DOG HAS MORE EXPENSIVE CLOTHES THAN MOST PEOPLE!"

I think it's fantastic that Bravo's sticking it to the poor and homeless like that. In fact, I think their ads should go further, with taglines like:

* UNLIKE YOU, MY DOG EATS THREE MEALS A DAY!

* MY DOG HAS A WARM PLACE TO SLEEP TONIGHT. JEALOUS MUCH?

* ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW MY PET TURNS ITS NOSE UP AT THE BRANDS OF DOG FOOD YOU UNDOUBTEDLY SUBSIST ON?

* I SPEND MORE A MONTH ON VET BILLS THAN MEDICARE WILL APPROVE FOR YOUR CANCER TREATMENT

* MY DOG IS MORE REAL TO ME THAN MOST OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW. AND YET, I SEE YOU AS SOMETHING LESS THAN A HUMAN BEING. HEH

Sorry, but I've been super-busy today, and I keep getting excited because I'm going to see both mets games this weekend. Tomorrow, Pedro Martinez pitches against Al Leiter.
The Face of Everything Right with the Mets Now vs. the Face of Everything That Used to be Wrong with Them. I kind of feel like, if they can give a loss to Leiter right after giving a loss to John Franco, they'll exorcise a few demons.

And if you're not a Mets fan, well, sorry, because the rest of this post is a promo for an awesome show I'm doing Monday. I need heads to turn out:

Monday, April 18th
8:00pm
$5.00 cover + 2 drink minimum
At the Laugh Lounge
151 Essex St.
For Reservations call 212-614-2500

HOSTED BY: Craig Baldo (Premium Blend, Late Friday)

With:
* Claudia Cogan (UCB, the PIT)
* Josh Comers (clubs all over)
* Anthony DeVito (VH1's "All Access: Celebrity Showdown 2")
* Ritch Duncan (editor-in-chief, Jest magazine; writer, Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn)
* Todd Levin (How to Kick People)
* Liam McEneaney (Premium Blend, Best Week Ever)
* Amanda Melson (head writer, "Sara Schaeffer is Obsessed w/ You")
* Fiona Walsh (Sundays at Seven)
AND
* Christian Finnegan (Comedy Central Presents 1/2 hour special, Chappelle's Show, VH1 "Best Week Ever")

DEAR DREAM JOURNAL;
Just been one of those days. Phew, huh? You know what I'm talking about! You're magical! If you weren't magical, you wouldn't have all that shiny glitter glue on your front!

Okay, maybe my blog isn't that insufferable, but I always hesitate to get too autobiographical in my day-to-day doings. If you want a joke about sports, it's a couple paragraphs below, under the row of asterices.

It just seems like I - along with most everyone I know - is having "one of those days."

A funny thing about living in New York, I find, is that eventually, your emotions are in tune with those of everyone in the city around you. Whenever I leave my apartment in the morning angry, the mood on the street will be one of unguided anger and general hostility. On tired days, most people on the street are tired. And so on.
It's like when women live together closely, and their menstrual cycles start coinciding. I think that New Yorkers are all so jammed together that we affect each others' body chemistry, and we start emotionally "cycling" together.

Today has been an off-day. I had to meet a woman I'd been kinda seeing, so we could tell each other that neither of us wanted to see the other any more. A half-hour later, we were riding the carousel in Central Park together, something I haven't done since I was a very little boy, and my grandfather was still alive.

The day ended with a guy who runs a free show in the back of an East Village bar telling me that if I wanted to do a spot (for no money), I had to give him a tape of my act. Now, I'm not a big-shot comedian by any stretch of the imagination.
I just deleted the rest of this paragraph, because it came off as so whiny and self-indulgent, even by autobographical blogger standards. Needless to say, I'm aware of my blessings and still annoyed by slights and nuisances.

I hope the above didn't alienate nobody.

Okay, here's a joke. Get ready for it:

* * * * * *

THE SPORTING LIFE
I don't like to talk sports with other guys. Not that I mind a discussion starting about sports or whatever. The problem is, it's very easy to start a sports conversation, and almost impossible to end a sports conversation.

Because guys, as a rule, don't talk about feelings. It's very therapeutic to unburden yourself, through the shared experience of hating Armando Benitez, say. Or getting worked up over Barry Bonds and whether or not he should be in the Hall of Fame.

Because a guy who will passionately tell you why Bonds does not belong in the Hall of Fame is the same guy who will never passionately tell his wife - anything. The same guy who spends forty minutes outlining how the Packers need to tighten their defense is the same guy who won't spend four seconds telling you that sometimes he's so happy he just feels like crying.

And you know why he doesn't tell you? Because he's a guy. Sports is the guy version of Girl Talk.

The kind of Sports Talkin' Guy I hate most, though, is the Sports Know-It-All, who can't be happy unless you have an opinion that he can argue and make you feel dumb about:

Who do you think the best pitcher in baseball history was?
I don't know.

Come on, you have to have an opinion.
No, I really don't.

Pick one.
I don't want to -

Just pick one.
All right. "Goose" Gossage.

"Goose" Gossage? "Goose" Gossage? Are you kiddin me? Are you fucking kidding me? "Goose" Gos - you can't be serious. What about Amos Rusie, pitched FIFTY complete games for New York in 1893*? Huh?
Yeah, you're right. You're the king, and I'm a real douche. Guess I have no choice to go back to my shitty life, filled with nothing but friends and the occasional sexual encounter.

Sometimes I think these guys are making this stuff up though -
"Then there's 'Nine-fingers' Louis Marker. He holds the record for most fly balls caught in his teeth. 83 in a single season. And 'Bullet-Proof' Joe Malone? The man spent eighteen seasons on the field - in an iron lung - and he had a helper monkey swing his bat for him. He hit forty-three home runs in 1941."




* Actual record.

If you read this blog, then you may know that I appear on a show on VH1 called Best Week Ever, where I make fun of people whose careers in entertainment actually matter.

Below, I will share some jokes that never made it onto last week's show. Because THE MAN is AFRAID that if you hear these jokes, you will cease laughing and turn the channel to C-SPAN or something.

The Express Lane
One-liners on the day's hottest haps!

FINAL FOUR: The Final Four was this week, ending nearly a month of drinking, gambling, and basketball.
Isn't this really just an excuse to drink and gamble?
* It's not an excuse to drink and gamble. It's an excuse to be proud of coming from North Carolina.
* Some people call it "The Final Four." I call it "Whooopsie! There Goes Our Daughter's College Fund!"

And...
* The Fantastic Four is ending? What will The Invisible Girl do – oh, the Final Four. Yeah, I don't watch basketball.
* The Final Four is great, because the guys you see playing college ball today are the same guys who are going to be selling you a used car five years from now.

PRINCE CHARLES' WEDDING POSTPONED: Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles delayed their Friday wedding until Saturday so as not to conflict with funeral services for Pope John Paul II, which will take place on Friday.

What's he going to do with that extra day?
* Charles is going to take Camilla for a nice ride through the countryside – if he can get a saddle on her.

* * * * *

STAR WHORES: LUCAS SELLS OUT
This week M&Ms launched Dark Chocolate M&Ms to promote "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith"
On the M&M website, there's a trailer that touts "the birth of the chocolate empire."

* "The birth of the chocolate empire"? I own a porn like that.
* Sadly, that was still ten times more well-written and exciting than Episode III is going to be.
* Now you can have all the Star Wars cast members in your mouth – just like Natalie Portman!
* Finally, something less healthy than being a 38 year-old man in a movie theatre dressed like Darth Vader.
* The best movie in the Chocolate Star Wars series is still The M&M-pire Strikes Back. They gotta stop letting Lucas direct these things.

Has Lucas sold out?
* Man, I can't believe Lucas sold out. Episode One was a charming low-budget sleeper, suddenly he's premiering Episode Two at Sundance, and next thing you know, he's getting a big studio budget and – surprise surprise – he's sellin the quaint little charm that made us fall in love with the characters in the first place.
* LucasFilms is the movie equivalent of a dockside whore on payday. It's not surprising when he sells out; it's surprising when he doesn't sell out.
* You get the feeling that he doesn't even care who he's licensing to anymore. He just picks up the phone – "Hello, George Lucas. Yes." Then six months later, "A double-ended light-dildo? Who approved this?"

How is this worse than all the previous commercialization of Star Wars?
* At least M&M's is in good taste – pun most definitely intended – unlike the Star Wars Catheter Tube – I don't think doctors should be inserting a C3 Pee-Hole.
* I don't think it's in bad taste for Star Wars to say "put some chocolate in your mouth." I do think it's in bad taste for them to put a big picture of Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu going (grinning and giving a big thumbs-up).

How much more money does George Lucas need? What's he going to spend it on?
* If Episode Three can just make a couple of bucks, then for the next series of movies he can finally afford to hire a screenwriter.
* George Lucas has to support a family. A family of mice. They live in his beard.

* * * * * *

MAJOR LEAGUE'S THROWIN' US A CURVE BALL! UH-OH!
Between steroids, the new movie Fever Pitch, and the Boston Red Sox appearing on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, baseball is hotter than ever! "Tell us more!" you say? Okay:
* Between steroids and Drew Barrymore, there's more artificially enhanced boobs in baseball than ever before!

What are the benefits of steroids in baseball?
* The biggest benefit of steroids in baseball isn't new home run records – it's insane Barry Bonds press conferences: "Raarrr, me no do steroids. Why press ask questions? Press bad! Press hurt family. Hulk smash! GRAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"
* I love steroids in baseball. Not because I'm a fan of home runs – because I'm a huge fan of congressional subcommittee hearings. Oh Tom DeLay, you're the dreamiest!
* Baseball sources say that because Mark McGwire injected drugs to enhance his performance, it means he won't get into the Baseball Hall of Fame. However, it makes him a shoe-in for the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame.
* You wanna see a chemically-induced rage? Watch me pay 9 dollars for a Yankee Stadium beer.

How do you feel about the latest baseball movie being a total chick flick?
* Finally, something to make baseball fun for ladies like me to watch.
* Sure, Fever Pitch is a movie about baseball. But it's got Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon, so there's something for everyone to hate.
* Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon make me more likely to watch baseball, watch Home Shopping Network, paint drying, anything but watch them in a movie.
* I do anything Jimmy Fallon says. I didn't used to take taxis until that Jimmy Fallon/Queen Latifah movie.

Several players from the Red Sox got made over for "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy".
* This is the gayest thing to hit the game since Tom Selleck's moustache in Mr. Baseball.
* You want to see the Red Sox get totally bitched, watch a tape of the '86 World Series.
* Cowboy up! Also, construction worker up, policeman up, and Indian up!

* Drug abuse, Drew Barrymore, and gay guys? This is either the worst season of baseball, or the greatest season of Broadway ever!

* * * * * *

BEN AFFLECK - "MINI-ME"?
Michael Clarke Duncan warns Affleck's female fans that the star is not at all impressive if you see him naked. "Don't get me wrong, ladies, Ben is cool, but I've seen the guy naked in Armageddon and c'mon, man! I was not impressed at all, man! I was like, 'This is it, huh? This is it right here?' Contactmusic.com quoted Duncan as saying.

Can I honestly say I'm surprised?
*. That is surprising, until you remember that 90% of Armageddon took place in a pool of cold water.
* I'm not surprised by this, I'm just disappointed that Michael Clarke Duncan took so long to go public with it. Where were you when Jennifer Garner was still single, Dunc? That little piece of info was all that stood between me and Miss Alias.

Is this why he and J.Lo broke up?
* J. Lo went from "P. Diddy" to "P. Tiny." UH-OH!
* That isn't what broke Ben and J. Lo up. It is, however, what broke Ben and Matt Damon up.
* The original version of "Jenny From the Block" went "I used to have a little, like in my boyfriend Ben Affleck's pants. I'm still Jenny Jenny Jenny from the block. Don't be fooled by the small rocks that he got. I'm still Jenny Jenny Jenny from the block."

And also...
* This should be a lesson to everyone in Hollywood – be careful who you jerk off in front of.
* I've seen Armageddon, and Ben Affleck's naked body isn't even in the Top Twenty unimpressive things about that movie.
* You know, there was a time when I could just be unimpressed with Ben Affleck's acting ability.

So I checked on register.com -

- meow.com is taken. That's pretty understandable.

- meowmeow.com ~ taken. Again, I could see that.

- meowmeowmeow.com ~ taken as well.

- On the other hand, of course meowmeowmeowmeow.com is ~ taken??!!!!

- meowmeowmeowmeowmeow.com ~ still available. For now!

- And on a related note, www.crazycatlady.com, .net, .org, .biz, and .info are all taken.
By YO' MOMS!
BOO YA!

Why am I checking out all these domain names? Your guess is as good as mine. (Because I'm bored? Saaaay - that's a pretty good guess!)

* * * * * *

I was talking to a friend, and he was telling me how he watches Major League Baseball on the Internet at work. He said, "Yeah, the Yankee games are blacked out in New York, but luckily one of our temps figured out how to reflect the feed off of an out-of-area remote proxy server."

And of course, I had the same question I'm sure you do: "Where the hell do you work that you get paid to watch baseball on the Internet? The Happy Magic Kingdom of Awesome Day Jobs?"

And he replied, "Well, uh, let me put it this way: Do you pay taxes?"

Turns out the motherf-er works for the State of New York. Which makes sense. Of course.

Because, what's the biggest problem facing New York today? Education system in a shambles? Eh, whatever.
Collapsing infrastructure? Pllbbbtttt. Bo-ring!
Rising crime rate? No!

The A #1 problem facing NY today - how do we scam MLB into letting the State pay for their employees watch the Yankee game?

And that's great. Seriously, it's great.
Because - and this is key - when you distract money and manpower from the government, that's money and manpower they can't use to ruin their citizens' lives.

I feel bad for people you see on a job interview at Starbucks.
Because let's face it - if someone's conducting a job interview at Starbuck's, it's because their business lacks some things - like an office. Or a fixed address.

If I answered a Help Wanted ad, and the guy hiring said, "You sound good. Let's meet at Starbucks at 3:30," my response would be, "Okay, but you realize this isn't a date, right? I need money, but not that badly."

My second response would be, "This job pays cash upfront, right?"

On the other hand, at least you know the interview won't be too serious. I mean, they're not going to ask for references or anything like that:

"Do I have any references? Sure, you can ask Margo - she works the Drive Thru at the McDonald's on 39th. Or Singh - he runs a hot dog cart in Rockefeller Center. You'll want to make an appointment to speak to him. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an interview for VP of Marketing of a Fortune 500 company. The guy's meeting me at an OTB window."

* * * * * *

Did you ever have that moment where you realized the guy you're talking to is an asshole?
I was talking to this guy, and he actually said out loud, "The real tragedy of AIDS is that it killed casual sex. You can't just have a one-night stand any more."

Yeah, there's the real tragedy. I'm glad you could pinpoint the true victim in the AIDS crisi - the guy who has to actually commit to a relationship.

* * * * *

I like the term "Fantasy Baseball,"
because it implies that my ultimate sports-hero fantasy is to be a coach.

I don't think any kid ever watched a game and fantasized, "Oh man, I wish I was the general manager of that team. You have no idea what kind of complex trade structures I'd engineer - if only I had the chance. Put me in coach, I'm ready to watch the waiver wire like a hawk for a .287 hitter."

* * * * * *

Glad to see the Mets finally won one yesterday.
Willie Randolph was starting to look like he was being eaten from inside by mice.

Of course, clearly Pedro didn't trust the bullpen to finish the game for him...

* * * * *

I always wanted to be a dog-catcher,
but unfortunately, I have this crippling fear of nets.

When I was a kid, I was caught up in a badminton game gone bad.
Let's just say, the reason they call it a "birdie" is because it will peck your eyes out.

* * * * * *

"Too many cooks spoil a broth."
Broth sucks. You can't spoil it. It's just bones and hot water.
How are all those cooks going to spoil it? By adding flavor?

When I was a kid, my school had a program where a cop would come in twice a year and teach us about drugs. I think we were supposed to learn that drugs were bad for us, but it actually taught us how to do them -

"This here's LSD, sometimes known as 'acid'. If you take this LSD, you will experience hallucinations that are ten times better than any movie you've ever seen. You will smell colors and taste feelings. Do not take acid - unless you have someone more experienced to guide you through.

"Now this here's crack. It lets you forget all your problems. A lot of crack users smoke it through a pipe - like this one. See, you light this end up? Now, no matter how good crack makes you feel, after a while you'll crash. So you'll want to keep more than one hit on hand. Luckily, they only cost five bucks a rock. A lot of people steal stereos to support their crack habit. You can sell them at any local pawn shop for a good amount of cash.

"This is marijuana. They say it's the safest way to get high without any serious long-term effects..."

And at the end the teacher would always say,,
"Class does anyone have any questions? Yes Joey?"

Joey: "Is alcohol okay?"

And the cop would say, "God, I hope so."

I went to Yankee Stadium to see the Yankee/Red Sox game yesterday.

Apparently, when Yankee fans chant "19-18!" they're talking about how much a beer costs.

At the end of the game, the Men's room was completely flooded. Hey Steinbrenner, you paid $200 million for A-Rod, how 'bout another fifty bucks for a plumber?

* * * * * * *

When I was a kid, my friends and I would play sports. Well, my friends would play sports. I wasn't that into sports. Like, our friend Jeff, you knew he was a real sports fan. (WARNING: This next joke sucks, both as a joke and as a gauge of my basic human decency You may want to skip to the next paragraph.) Every time some girl asked him to play "house," he always ended up getting drunk and hitting her. He would go from playing "house" to playing "house arrest." You're welcome.

(Feel Free to enjoy the rest of this joke. Thank you for your patience.)
My friends would always pretend to be great athletes, I would always pretend to be the second-stringer who never really got off the bench.

So my friends would be like:
"I'm Gary Carter, hitting a home run in the World Series!"
or, "I'm Joe Namath, throwing a football to win the Super Bowl!"

I was always like, "Here's Frank Owens, opening a used car dealership on the Interstate!"
or, "Here's 'Marvelous' Marv Throneberry, signing autographs at an expo for ten bucks!"

I go to a coffee shop every day called - well, I'm not going to say what it's called, because I don't like to advertise for free on this blog.

Let's just say that, when it comes to the amount of bucks they charge for coffee, the stars are the limit.

(You got me. It's New World Coffee.)
(No, not really.)

Anyway, I actually don't mind paying six dollars for a cup of coffee, because they let me hang out for five hours.
I don't consider it paying for coffee; I consider it paying rent on not being in my apartment.

* * * * * * * * *

TIME OUT
I didn't want to subscribe to Time magazine, but one of my coworkers came by selling candy for her son's school. And what am I going to say?
"Screw your son and his school. In my day, the kids in my school earned money the hard way - selling crack. What, he's too good to hang out in a schoolyard keeping lookout for the older kids? FEH!"

I don't eat candy. So I bought a subscription to Time.

I have been getting this thing for six months, and i've yet to read an issue. They sent me a notice, saying my subscription was due to expire, and I'd better renew. I threw it out. Then they sent me an offer for a free gift. Now I get free gift offers every three days.

Time is acting less and less like a magazine, and more and more like a just-dumped ex-girlfriend.
I'm expecting this call soon:

"Hey Liam, it's Time. Listen, I just happened to be in your neighborhood and was wondering if I could come over and give you this free gift I got, I think you'd like it, it's a book on the mysteries of the Incas - no, no that's fine. I'll talk to you later."

"Hey Liam, it's Time. I just took a bunch of sleeping pills. I don't know, I guess I was feeling kind of down. No no, don't call anybody. I just wanted you to know that if anything happens to me, it's probably your fault."

"Liam, it's Time. You know what, I don't even want to give you your stupid free gift anyway. I don't care if you renew. In fact, I wouldn't take your filthy - look, TV Guide told me he saw you picking up an US Weekly at some seedy little newsstand. No, never mind why he was there. Just tell me it isn't - Oh God, US Weekly? Really? She can't even write. Look, I just think we should sit down and talk. Catch up on the events of the world. All right, I'll call you later."

This thing has no end. Maybe some day...

It's another round of "Jokes That Never Made It On Best Week Ever." Some of these jokes will make you scratch your head and say, "Man, I can't believe that didn't get on air!"
The other 95% of these jokes will have you scratching your head and saying, "I can't believe he said that out loud! What was he thinking?"

Enjoy:

McDonald's Rap
This week McDonald's reached out to rappers and asked them to include product placement in their songs. The Fast-Food company has promised artists between $1 and $5 per radio-play.
* It's time rappers stopped killing rappers. I want to see fast food kill rappers for a change.
* Instead of saying "Super-Size Me," you can say "Pimp My Happy Meal."
* Instead of the dollar menu, you can order from the Fitty-Cent Menu.
* There's going to be a Drivu-Thru Window, and next to it – a Drive-By Window.
* I think the next step is the Hamburglar coming out of prison with a home-made gang tattoo and a three-album deal with Shady Records.
* This is just going to escalate. Burger King's going to drop a single calling it "WackDonald's." Wendy will run a promotion where she'll be your bitch for ten dollars. Roy Roger's posse's going to do a drive-by at Colonel Sander's house. This joke doesn't really end.
* McDonald's new slogan: "Increase the Peace – and your waistline!"

Who will be the first artist to do a McDonald's Rap? Who will be the first to speak out against it?
* I think Vanilla Ice will be the first to sell out. And with all the airplay his song will get, he'll make a whopping two dollars and eighty-three cents from the deal.
* I think Fat Joe will announce that he's the first rapper to sell out to McDonald's. And at the same press conference, he'll announce that he's changing his name to Morbidly Obese Joe.
* I hope the hip-hop community speaks out against this. Because when you're gang-affiliated rappers who sell drugs and shoot each other, you need to be a healthy role model.

I bust McDonald rhyme now:
Put my quarter-pound in Wendy's mouth, now the bitch can't speak,
Call the Burger King "diarrhea" cause his shit is weak.
Show me your chocolate shake, and you're givin' me some,
Get that from the dollar menu like your fat-ass mom.
Yes, tape now exists of me doing this somewhere. No, I will never tell you how to get your hands on it


The Bachelor
The Bachelor's back and this time it's Charlie O'Connell (brother of celebrity Jerry O'Connell) who claims that he's looking for "the one" but he couldn't seem more less-interested in actually settling down.

Why is Charlie O'Connell the perfect Bachelor in the new "no holds barred" version of The Bachelor?
* Usually, The Bachelor takes a nobody and turns him into a Z-list celebrity. Charlie O'Connell is a Z-list celebrity ready-made.
* He's the brother of the star of Kangaroo Jack, which means that no matter what he does on The Bachelor, he won't be the family embarrassment.
* Hey, this is Charlie O'Connell we're talking about. If there's one guy who's used to women fighting to be with him, it's – can I give this a downgrade?

Instead of a tuxedo, Charlie opts for more of his own business casual look. What does this really say about his bachelor status?
* He's dressed a little sloppier than past Bachelors, which I think proves he's a true bachelor. In fact, if you want the true bachelorhood experience, the entire show should be Charlie in a dirty NASCAR t-shirt and boxers eating Fried Chicken in his barely-furnished apartment.
* I always thought it was ridiculous for the Bachelors to wear a tux. It's like they're saying, "I'm ready t walk down the aisle at any moment." Charlie's look more says, "I might walk down the aisle, I might make PowerPoint presentation."

One woman, Geitlan (pronounced Jee-ton) attempts to impress Charlie by clucking like a chicken. And continues by making monkey sounds.
* Clucking like a chicken is a fantastic seduction technique. She's saying, "I'm a real animal in bed. No, I mean a real barnyard animal. Let's do it lonely-farmer-in-Nebraska-style."
* Seducing Charlie by making monkey sounds was okay. Picking up her own poo and throwing it at him – that might have been going a little too far.

When it's time for the first group date, 5 girls choose themselves and all the others wait patiently for their turn for the next date. BUT Dallas Maverick Cheerleader Kindle sneaks down and makes her way to the van before any of the other girls and since she's there first one of the other girls is forced to stay behind. While the other girls bitch about her manipulative behavior, Charlie applauds it and she is awarded a rose.
* Dude, let's be honest - she's a Maverick Cheerleader. She would've gotten a rose if she'd punched his mom in the face.
* Charlie wants a woman who's smart enough to go out and get what she wants – but dumb enough to make the thing she wants Charlie O'Connell.

Kristine, an alleged bikini model also claims to be working for the government as a private investigator for the FBI.
* You know, the Bachelor really does it all for their contestants. I mean, most guys have to wait until after they've been on TV to get a crazy-ass stalker, but the Bachelor's provided one ready-made for him.
* I believe Kristine. Most FBI private investigators go on national TV and blab about their jobs. I remember Donnie Brasco's week on The Dating Game.
* She's a bikini model and a secret FBI investigator? Is she also one of Charlie's Angels?
* An FBI secret investigator? I'd like her to blow a lot more than her cover. LOL!


Extreme Makeover - Home Edition
A Santa Fe Springs, California, family what adopted five orphans were featured in last week's episode.
Who should come in, but California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger came by to see how the homebuilder, Pardee Homes, incorporated green building standards and options that reduce energy requirements, enhance indoor air and water quality and preserve natural resources.
Governator Arnold is championing new legislation - known as the Million Solar Roofs Initiative - that would create an 10-year incentive fund to encourage both residences and commercial buildings to install solar power systems.

* If there's one thing kids love, it's legislative initiatives concerning the regulation of environmentally-friendly energy alternatives! I still have a mint copy of Prop. 118 concerning the use of unleaded diesel from when I was seven – in mint condition, signed by Congressman Gary Ackerman, with an Overstreet value of $80.

The episode promoted energy efficiency, but then they gave the kids Ford Focuses. Is that energy-efficient?
* During the election, everyone talked about Arnold's "vision for the future." What they forgot is that his vision for the future was a post-apocalyptic hell-scape ruled by machines.

Why do you think Arnold braved the rain just to say hello to the family?
* Arnold's doing government-through-surprise-guest spots-on-TV-shows. He was like, "Look at all the community outreach the Globetrotters did when they visited Gilligan's Island." He's truly my generation's Charles Nelson Reilly.
* Some politicians end up stuck on shows like "Meet the Press," or "Face the Nation," but Arnold goes where he can really display his intellectual credentials, like "Extreme Makeover" or, "America's Next Top Model." I think for his reelection campaign, he's actually going to do a season of "The Surreal Life."

In yesterday's NY Daily News, the sports section had an article about Yankee pitcher Randy Johnson with this headline:
"RANDY 'S BRAIN NOW THE ULTIMATE WEAPON"

To which I can only add:
"UH-OH! US TROOPS IN IRAQ ARE SCREWED!"

* * * * * * * *

"Why I Am Unpopular"
I belong to a Fantasy Baseball League - you know, to meet girls.
I swear, there's less sausage at OktoberFest than in your average Fantasy Baseball League.
Fantasy Baseball delivers more male than the US Post Office.
There's a lotta dudes in Fantasy Baseball Leagues.
And so on and so forth...

Anyway, there is a large Red Sox fan contingent in my league. Over the last few days, the message boards have been full of the most vile Anti-Yankee and Anti-Pedro Martinez (for those of you who have lives, Pedro was a pitcher for the Red Sox, and during the off-season, he was offered a better deal by the NY Mets, which he took) ranting you can imagine.

Like, "long-time-listener/first-time-caller" crazy ranting.

So I thought it would be funny if I posted an even crazier anti-Red Sox rant in response - specifically in response to a guy who called Pedro a "pussy" for switching teams in about five posts in a row.
I'm reprinting my rant below.

Before you read it and decide to respond, RED SOX FANS PLEASE BE AWARE:

1) Yes, I do know that I'm an asshole.
2) Yes, I'm aware that the Mets aren't historically the greatest team on Earth either.
3) Seriously, I'm kidding.
3a) By which I mean, I'm 75% kidding.

Enjoy:
All I'm sayin is -
by: Steroid to Heaven (liam_hackeneaney) Apr 1 2:54pm

I think it's pretty rich for any Red Sox fan to accuse Pedro of being mercenary when their team signed David Wells.

David Wells, who's such an enormous mercenary asshole that even Steinbrenner can't work with him - and this is the George Steinbrenner who pays Reggie Jackson to hang around the clubhouse.

Of course, if you look at the Red Sox fan base, it's no wonder Wells feels right at home. Red Sox fans are direct descendants of those who survived the Revolutionary War by hiding in their root cellars and robbing the bodies on the battlefield at night.

Red Sox fans are the descendants of the Boston blue-bloods who paid the dregs of the sewers to take their place in the Civil War - and of the dregs, who were about to take that money until they found out that winning the war would mean freeing the blacks.

Red Sox fans are the sorts of whiners whose delusion self-image of "loveable losers" hides the ugly reality that they're the same mob who would turn on Bill Buckner, blaming him for the loss of a World Series to a manifestly superior team; when the reality is that he was just another gear in the machine that is the Red Sox's cherished tradition of mediocrity.

And it is this same fan base that threw aside the cloak of loveable loserdom at the first taste of victory, revealing a gloating face uglier than any drunken bandwagon Yankee fan holding court in a seedy Bronx sports bar across from the Stadium.

Of course, this attitude doesn't end with the fan base. The players have proven themselves to be seedy lowlifes, trying to steal headline space with their pathetic attempts at baiting Alex Rodriguez, calling him a deadbeat dad and worse for the crime of getting a better offer from the Yankees when he was a free agent. That's what we call "class" - specifically "Coach class," the cheapest, sleaziest class.

So go ahead, spit on Pedro and his new home in Flushing, just like the Red Sox and their fans have, in the past two months, spit on the face of decency, good sportsmanship, and self-respect.

Pedro and the Mets will be laughing all the way to a division title.

Please don't worry, I'm okay. I didn't snap, and this isn't a sudden hasty decision brought on by a crisis or nothing. It's just, this is something I've been thinking about for a good long time, and I've come to realize that although I've had a lot of fun and met a lot of good people doing stand-up comedy, it just hasn't really fulfilled me as a creative being.

So, in order to really fulfill myself as a creative person, I've decided to go back to school and get my Master's in Art Criticism. I've already been accepted at Yale.

Now, don't worry, I'll still be updating my blog every day. Only, instead of my witty and hilarious takes on the mundane details of every day life, it'll be scalpel-sharp and insightful comments on art, especially the influence of primitive tribal art on later "modern" masters like Picasso and Cubism.

You might say the power of Picasso's art is like ancient African mask-making CUBED.

LOL!!!!

Also, April Fool!

Real post below this one:

BUT FIRST, A BRIEF STORY ABOUT ME
A short while ago, I was in a room with a locally-famous gossip lady who was giving me the lowdown on the ins-and-outs of a highly dysfunctional celebrity marriage. It was interesting stuff, but I found myself getting really bored and irritated quickly, and I left as soon as I could.

It wasn't until I was thinking about it later that I realized it was because, "Oh, because I wasn't the center of attention." In fact, that's why I don't pay much attention to celebrity gossip, period.

Anyway, think about that as I make jokes about why I can't do well with women:

* * * * * * * * *

I don't consider it a "date."
I consider it an "audition for the role of your ex-boyfriend."

* * * * * * * * *

True, lasting love is impossible to find in this city.
However, Cadbury's Creme Eggs are everywhere. So it's win/lose.

* * * * * * * * *

I answered a personal ad where the woman described herself as "a Cat Person."
She wasn't kidding. I showed up, and she had a tail and whiskers.

Actually, I was cruising the Craig's List women skng Men personals a few weeks ago - because it's the only forum where I'm in the position to reject someone.

Anyway, one lady's personal said, "seeking kind, loving man - ABSOLUTELY MUST LOVE CATS!!!"

What that ad should have said is "Hey, I'm just your average - I AM CRAZY! I AM RESIGNED TO LIVING ALONE INTO MY 90s! WHEN MY BODY IS REMOVED FROM MY APARTMENT, THEY WILL FIND 83 CATS ROAMING MY FOUR-ROOM APARTMENT!"